If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
