Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
