Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
