I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
She bit a glass in half.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
