why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
