the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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