my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Someone shit on the floor
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
