my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
