There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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