I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Randomize
