Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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