addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
i drank out of a bidet.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
