I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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