Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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