I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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