There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
if only i could text you this smell
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
