I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
You left your phone here
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