Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
