Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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