I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
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