There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
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