There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
