she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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