I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
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