hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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