The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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