Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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