The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
So. Camera broke because I tried to wash it under the sink, kristi had to take me home and I woke up to my computer showing me that I googled how t take more than one shot at a time. I'd say the night was a success.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
