Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
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