so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
