there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
