i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
