I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
