I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Randomize
