The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
