if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
