I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Randomize
