Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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