I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Someone came in the potted fern
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
