My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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