i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
