Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
