please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
he had hair everywhere except his balls
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
