I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
