we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
