I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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