So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
