How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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