and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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