He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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